Insurance

Obamacare. Trumpcare. It's all over the news. Which one is good? Which one is bad? I think we could debate those questions endlessly, and because we are all of different age, income, health status, and positions in employment, our needs are varying...which makes it difficult to agree on what is best.

Personally, I am not one who is big on handouts.   However, this is an area where I feel differently. I believe we ALL need access to affordable health care insurance. Fortunately, our story is living proof that quality health insurance is a necessity.

I think I used to take insurance for granted.  We were a healthy family and we rarely went to the doctor.  Yes, there were times when I most likely lost my nomination for "Mother of the Year" award because I should have taken the kids to the doctor sooner.  But, as I've said before, we (not sure if I can speak for Kevin, so maybe it's I) were more of the "Buck Up" mentality.  Many years we never even met our deductible.  I chalk that up to being healthy.

With rising insurance premiums, those who are healthy start to question, "Is it worth all of this money my employer and I are paying?" We quickly found out...Yes.  Yes it is.

For example, Kevin's initial diagnosis of a brain tumor, subsequent surgery, diagnosis and hospital stay totaled $111,223.  Imagine, over one hundred thousand dollars in less than a week.  That's half a house for many people.

Consider this scenario...it's December 11, 2015.  We are home from the hospital and know that Kevin's diagnosis is one year, plus or minus six months. However, instead of having a quality health insurance policy, we have no insurance.  Think about where our mindset would have been.  Instead of focusing on family and friends, our thoughts would have been clouded with paying bills.  Could we have managed? Yes. But we are savers and have put money into retirement that could have been tapped into.

Bigger picture...how would these initial bills with no insurance have affected our thoughts on treatment? Radiation preparation and planning plus treatments totaled $156,785 for January and February. Would it have been worth it?  I am just so thankful we weren't put in that position to have to make that decision.

Can you see how people become homeless?  When a medical tragedy occurs, how do you recover financially unless you have insurance?

I could keep going.  The Avastin infusions for the month of June were $43,713.  Every MRI was over $6000.  Not to mention the "smaller' charges for regular lab work and doctor visits.

Jump ahead to November 2016 when going in for an MRI at Mayo, they discovered that Kevin had a saddle embolism (massive blood clot) in his lungs and more clots in his leg.  The subsequent hospital stay and treatment for those three days total $74,540.

When the third week in December rolled around (just over a year after diagnosis) the decision was made to discontinue treatment and start hospice.  Although less expensive than many treatments, hospice certainly isn't cheap.  Patients are charged $271 a day whether they see or talk to hospice personnel that day or not.  Twenty-six days on hospice totaled over $6500.

PLEASE, don't interpret this as a woe is me.  I want this to be an eye opener.  I pray it doesn't happen to others, but people have to realize that a medical issue can turn your world upside down.  Not just mentally and physically, but financially if you don't have insurance.

I pore over these hospital bills and insurance paperwork to remind me of how lucky I am. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for my insurance!

So as our politicians continue to debate the health care issue, I pray that they truly look beyond Republican and Democrat to create a plan that will allow everyone the luxury of health care insurance.

So tonight I am thankful:

• for an employer who offers and contributes to my health care insurance.
• for the role modeling by both Kevin's parents and my parent's in living within our means and saving for emergencies.
• for the freedom to share my thoughts and express my opinion...and the people who take the time to read what I write.
• for a Badger game on the agenda tonight!

"Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, 

whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, 

if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on those things.

Philippians 4:8

Is this what grief feels like?

Back in the day, the book of choice for all pregnant women was What to Expect When You're Expecting. It was considered America's pregnancy bible and I remember reading each chapter dutifully as time progressed so I was ready for the changes ahead.  It makes me wish there was a manual for grief.

Rightly so, that's not possible.  We all grieve differently.  And there are different kinds of grief.  A loss of a child is different than a loss of a parent which is different still than a loss of a spouse.  I know that there is no real right or wrong way to grieve.

So people ask, "How are you doing?" I'm not good, but I'm definitely not bad.  So I answer the only way I know how, "I'm okay."

There is not one perfect word to describe how I feel.  The word numb isn't quite right.  I still laugh and cry so I'm not void of emotion. Yet, I'm not excited about things in general like I used to be.  It dawned on me on Thursday, when a colleague and I were going to introduce to students a project he and I had been meeting about for over a month. He had put in a tremendous amount of work and said when I walked in Thursday morning, "Aren't you excited?" My brain paused.  Wow, I realized I should be excited, but I'm not.  I quickly recovered with a lame excuse and a sigh, "I'm just tired." Inside I'm thinking, "What??? You just finally had a decent night's sleep after a wind-less night. Are you really tired?" Perhaps this kind of numbness is a coping mechanism. I won't let myself get too high because I don't want to get too low either.

I feel like I lack stamina and energy and focus.

Everyday things that seemed to matter before aren't important now because it's just me.  Take grocery shopping for example.  I've never really minded grocery shopping...sometimes I even like it. But last week I found myself wandering around the store...struggling.  It was just a foolish struggle in my mind about my purchases.  Some things were too big, I'd never be able to eat them. Do I start buying single serving frozen dinners? How good are they? How healthy are they? All silliness but I was glad that I didn't see anyone in the store and risk having them ask how I was doing. (If you are curious, I left with (among other things) two frozen dinners and a GALLON of vanilla ice cream.   No, I am not acting out the female stereotype of tearfully eating my way through grief using ice cream.  I'm not even a big fan or plain vanilla ice cream--now chocolate is another story.)

Cooking is another struggle. I used to enjoy spending time on the weekend cooking for the week.  It felt good to have meals ready so when we got home from work, life was simpler.  Kevin was always easy to cook for so preparing home cooked meals gave me a sense of accomplishment. But now, cooking for me, doesn't have the same satisfaction.

Reading back through this, my descriptions are so petty.  I really am okay and things could be so much worse.  I don't stay in bed all day sobbing or depressed. I'm not drinking myself into numbness (although I did fix myself a Bloody Mary for the second half of the Badger game today).  I don't need drugs to keep me going. I'm functioning.

I am also learning about myself.  I always knew I was a procrastinator, and Kevin was not. Unknowingly, he sometimes guilted me into getting things done just by working hard.  I'm sure he never knew. But I certainly couldn't be sitting on the couch like a lump, when there were tons of things to be done, while he was toiling away getting his jobs done.  Now there is no one to subconsciously push me.

And I find I procrastinate such silly things.  Take putting gas in the car as an example.  I've never liked putting gas in the car, and quite honestly, I never even paid much attention to it.  Kevin would say, "How much gas is in your car?" I would stare blankly, "I don't know." It was something Kevin just took care of for me, even though I never asked him to.  Now, when I'm running low on gas, I think, "I'll get it tomorrow" instead of filling up as soon as I notice.  This morning was a prime example. I was going to Winona and knew I was low on gas.  The quick glance at the gas gauge led to the "can I make it to Winona or do I fill up before I leave?" Seriously?? Just put gas in the car. I filled up before I left and immediately thought, "Was that so hard?" (one of Kevin's lines).  No. Just get it done.

So as the weekend draws to a close, I reflect and am thankful:

• For my kids.  When we are together, it feels like a family again, even though an important piece is missing.
• For the four day work weeks I have had lately.  I haven't had to make it "just one more day" to get through the week.
• For Sunday afternoon naps.
• For realizing my struggles are minor and could be so much worse.
• For struggles which allow me to grow if I view them as opportunities.

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, 

knowing that suffering produces endurance, 

and endurance produces character, 

and character produces hope, 

and hope does not put us to shame, 

because God's love has been poured into our hearts 

through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Romans 5:3-5