I Don't Get It...

Saturday morning, grief showed up out of nowhere, and I just don't get it... So I am writing to help process.

Let me back up a bit.  A few weeks ago I signed up for the Citizen's Academy class put on by the Sparta Police Department.  This was a stretch for me because I was signing up for an extended commitment by myself...strange people, strange place. I often wonder if Kevin would have joined the class with me if he were still alive. Although it hasn't really presented an opportunity to meet new people, the sessions so far have been interesting. If given the chance to sign up for a similar class in your area, I would recommend it.

On Saturday, the focus of our session was the shooting range.  We would have an opportunity to shoot a pistol (an officer's service weapon), a rifle, and a type of assault rifle.  You can tell my knowledge of guns is shining through. I don't believe I have really even held a gun before much less shot one.  I never even shot our BB gun. Kevin hunted.  The kids both took hunter's safety courses and have hunted.  I just never had an interest.

To say I was nervous was a bit of an understatement.  As usual, I was beginning to make a mountain out of a mole hill.  I didn't know what to expect, and I didn't want to screw up (or heaven forbid someone get hurt).

As I drove myself from the Police Department to the shooting range, I could start to feel my emotions over take me.  Why was I getting teary eyed? I contemplated just turning around and going home.  But I wanted to say, "I did that" instead of being a quitter.

As the officers finished the final setup and gave an overview of their weapons and gear, I tried hard to take it all in.  Of course, this was all second nature to them so they went really fast and no one had any questions.  The rest of the group seemed pretty excited for the adventure.  As the "eyes and ears" (protective eye wear and ear wear) were being distributed, I said quietly to the officer in charge, "I've never even held a gun before and I'm really nervous."  He was super supportive and said the officers would help and "don't do anything you are not comfortable with."

As we moved toward the shooting area, one of the ladies said, "Are you nervous?"  I must have had a blinking sign on my forehead.  "Yeah," I replied with a shaky voice. And the tears started for no reason and I had to walk away.  What was the big deal?  Why was I over reacting?

As we broke into groups, I was hoping to go with the other females but that would have made the groups too uneven.  Three of us wandered over to the pistol area.  As the other two in my group received instructions and shot, I tried hard to pick up on everything being taught (not an easy task when wearing noise cancelling headphones and other guns were going off).

When it was my turn, I repeated to this officer that I had never held a gun before.  He too was super helpful and patient, but I was a complete basket case.  Yes, I was nervous, but my reactions (tears and shaking) were over the top and ridiculous.  The officer loaded the magazine for me (like he did the others), but he also pulled the slide back too (something the rest did on their own).  I asked how bad the kick would be. He said there would be some, but not bad.  He was right. I honestly tried to aim at the target, but I was shaking so much.  A co-worker gave me advice on Friday to take a deep breath before shooting to calm the nerves.  I tried...no luck.  Every time I took a deep breath, the officer would say, "You're doing fine." Really?? Maybe he was trying to convince himself.  Because we were sharing a target, I don't have a clue if I even hit the target.  I didn't empty the magazine; the officer finished it off for me.

I walked away trying to gain some composure.  The officer in charge walked me back over by the picnic tables and asked some questions.  Again, no clue why I couldn't control the tears.  I apologized; I was embarrassed. Was it because I had never asked Kevin to show me the basics? Was it because I didn't have someone to remind me "it wasn't a big deal", or better yet, "it isn't that bad"? Kevin was never really a cheerleader (his legs were too hairy for the skirt), so I wasn't likely to hear "You can do it." But he was my steady rock who reminded me when I was making a big deal out of nothing.

After getting myself together, I walked over by the rifle area.  A little piece of me wanted to try it to say I had done it.  A bigger piece of me was too chicken.  I had watched one young man take a shot and it knocked him back, so clearly it had much more of a kick. With no encouragement to try the rifle, I thought I should try the pistol again now that I had calmed down a bit.  However, when everyone was done, no one else wanted to shoot again, and I most certainly didn't want the whole group watching me.

We finished early.  Tears again as I drove out...ashamed and embarrassed.  What was wrong with me?

It still doesn't make sense. I'm not depressed.  I get up every day and go to work and lead a "normal" life. I'm not reduced to tears at the slightest emotion. But I guess grief doesn't necessarily make sense.

So with you: Now is your time of grief,  
but I will see you again and you will rejoice,
and no one will take away your joy.
John 16:22

Cardinal Meaning

Saturday July 29, 2019: Wedding of Kailey and Peter Warrichaiet
(Reflections from Keaton Hilby)

For the last 12+ months we had been anticipating this day.  As the days grew closer, I had a knot in my throat. I was excited for Kailey, but worried about the void that would be as clear as ever.  I told myself it wouldn’t be that hard, but tears welled up in my eyes every time I thought about the day. I often envision what his smile would have been like seeing her for the first time, watching them embrace, and his firm grip as he shook Peter’s hand. While I was happy to take his place, I kept thinking, “if only he could be here for one more day, even if it was just for Kailey.”

While decorating the reception hall on Saturday morning, my fiancé, Erin, and I were adding final touches to a table, when all of a sudden something was tapping on the window.  A cardinal had appeared and was trying to get into the room where we were setting up! Erin and I quickly called for Kailey to come quick.  Kailey came running, but we were afraid we had scared the cardinal away.  After a few seconds of looking, it reappeared from under the bush.  It bounced around for a few seconds, then fluttered up to the top of the bush.  It stopped, cocked its head and looked at us standing there. It seemed as though time had stopped. Just Kailey, the cardinal, and me. As quickly as it came, it left us. We hugged. We cried. We smiled. I have seen dozens of cardinals, but never for more than a few seconds; this was different. The feeling couldn’t have been clearer.

About a half hour after we experienced the cardinal, Grandma Schmig returned to the venue to bring us a few more items for setup.  As she walked in, she stopped and smiled and said: “Keaton, when I got home I had a visitor.”  She proceeded to tell me that she was about to pull into her driveway when a cardinal swooped in front of her car. Not wanting to hit it, she stopped and thought ‘get out of the way dummy.’  The cardinal then landed on her mailbox and looked at her.  At that point she said, “That cardinal was Kevin telling me to slow down and stop rushing. Today was going to be ok.”

A cardinal is a representative of a loved one who has passed. When you see one, it means they are visiting you. They usually show up when you most need them or miss them. They also make an appearance during times of celebration as well as despair to let you know they will always be with you.

Photo by Jacob Hilby

The day ended up being near perfect.  It was hot, but the sun was shining, and there was a slight breeze, not a typical St. Joseph’s Ridge day.  There were some surprises (both good and bad).  The getaway car sputtered to a stop less than a mile from the church, but in a spot that made it easy to get to our cousin’s, the Burns’, house so that Kailey still got her wish of getting pictures with it. That also meant that Peter got to take his bride away in his dream car, a GMC Caballero.  Another surprise (for Kailey) came when Mom changed up the ‘father daughter’ dance song.  The song was changed to Fathers and Daughters by Michael Bolton, with Dad’s voice taken from home videos overlaid into the musical interludes. I was able to share the dance with both Grandpa’s who have undoubtedly played a big role in Kailey’s life as well. She was then able to dance with most of her uncles to You Should Be Here by Cole Swindell.  There were tears. Lots of them.

The day left us with so much to be thankful for:

·      For Peter and his family

·      A day filled with love surrounded by family and friends

·      Signs from God, that we’re all going to be ok because of those he has sent to watch over us

·      The memories of loved ones

“God also bearing witness with them, both by signs and wonders,
and by manifold powers, and by gifts of the Holy Spirit, according to his own will." 

Hebrews 2:4