Good People

My head feels like its spinning. There are so many directions I could take this post.  Emotional overload. I plug along each day but I feel like I lack stamina and focus.  I'm guessing one key cause is lack of quality sleep. (Don't worry when you read this, Mom.  My sleep malfunctions are probably due to some changes in thyroid medications. No biggy. I'll figure it out). Of course, there is also this lack of exercise thing that's going on too.

By the time the end of the week rolls around, I'm dragging and I don't feel like I have accomplished much. This morning I had to sit in the car a few minutes before I could make my way into work.  I wasn't sad, but it felt like I had to give myself a pep talk..."You can do this."  "This" is just work. No big deal. Not sure why I have to talk myself into it.

I rushed out of work at 3:30 to get to LaCrosse.  I had finally found someone who provides a Medallion Signature Guarantee.  What?? Exactly.  It was described to me as a "notary on steroids" and "your bank should be able to provide it for you." The guy must have thought I lived in Bangor, Maine, and not Bangor, Wisconsin.  I did some internet searching and calling around to LaCrosse banks and found that, unless you are one of their customers (like 90 days or 6 months--not open an account today), you are out of luck. Until I found Associated Bank! Look at all you are learning from reading this post...that there is such a thing as a Medallion Signature Guarantee AND you can get one at Associated Bank.  Pretty neat.

I even arrived home in time to catch my wonderful neighbor walking home from getting his mail so I could thank him.  On one of these warm afternoons he removed the final posts from the ramp that had been frozen into the ground. I appreciate how he's looking out for me...and I know he misses Kevin.

My walk to the mailbox wasn't quite so pleasant when I spotted the thick stack of insurance bills.  Ugghhh! The necessary evil.  Kevin hated getting the sporadic bills because he felt like he was paying them all of the time.  So he had all of the insurance for the cars, motorcycle, snowmobiles, etc. sent at once. I agree though.  Pay it once and get it over with.

Ironically we received two letters from Gundersen.  One asking Kevin for a donation and the other stating how sorry they were that my loved one had passed.

"Kevin wanted this card to be sent to you."
"I will be with you always" Matthew 28:20

I was pleasantly surprised to find a couple of cards. And then this happened (see pic) and I lost it. Completely lost it.

There is some amazing angel out there who worked very hard to stay anonymous and send me this gift. What I quickly realized is that the guilty party could be so many people. I am constantly overwhelmed by how terrific people are.  It is hard to wrap my head around.

The goodness of people continued all night.

The girls basketball tournament game had been rescheduled to tonight because of the predicted weather.  Since the boys already had a scheduled home game, we now had a double header.  Two different friends texted.  "Going to the game?" "Save you a seat." Thanks for thinking of me.

After a win for the girls, the pep band entertained us between games.  Who would have thought that would bring tears to my eyes? I'm blaming that on Mrs. Kinstler.  Hearing them play reminded me how much she has done for Kailey. And of course my mind wandered to Kailey directing her own band some day.  Would she have those relationships with her kids that make her smile like Mrs. Kinstler did tonight? I hope so.

Early into the boys game, a Bangor player came down wrong on his leg and had a terrible injury.  It's one of those things that you wish you didn't see but the picture doesn't leave your brain.  My heart hurt for the young man and his family and his team. Once the initial shock passed, it was clear again how truly fabulous people are.  Before I could really even register what had happened, people were there to help. Our off-duty first responders in the crowd were there in a second. They don't even think twice about jumping into action.

While waiting for the ambulance to arrive, a woman in the bleachers appeared to have passed out. (I am deliberately being vague on some of this because my point is not to focus on the who and what happened to them but to how it was handled). A few first responders were asked to leave the young man to attend to the woman.  A few rows above her, another woman became faint. When the actual on-call First Responders arrived, they honestly didn't know where to go first.  But they made it happen.  Those volunteers provided help and comfort.

After cool air and a cool drink, both ladies thankfully made it back to the upright position.

Once the ambulance arrived, and the young man was loaded onto the stretcher, the crowd applauded. Then the whole team came over to form a line and each give him their best. Following suit, the opposing team and coaches each wished him well.  The crowd stood and applauded, not only for the young man, but for the compassion shown by these young people.  How can your heart not be full?

Emotionally, it was too much for me.  I had to go home.

So tonight I am thankful

• for my small town bank where I feel welcome and taken care of
• for the lady who took the time to become certified to give Medallion Signature Guarantees and was willing to help me out even if I wasn't a customer of her bank
• for neighbors who are more than people that live next door
• for friends and family who check up on me via texts
• for pep bands and dedicated directors who add another dimension to the night's entertainment
• for volunteer First Responders who are always on duty
• for sportsmanship winning out over competition
• for good people
• for God always being with me

I will be with you always

Matthew 28:20

Purpose

Several people have spoken or written to me about my blog posts. The posts originally started as a way to inform, so people could get the details from the source.  They became a way of processing for me. Thoughts that ran around in my head could be written down and remembered. People have said I should keep writing. However, I'm hesitant. The thoughts still run around in my head, but there is no story to tell or sequence of events to give my thoughts direction. I fear that if my thoughts are dark, people will worry about me or think I need help. So I write this tonight hoping it will let me clear my head and not cause concern for others. Allow me to work through this. 

I remember being a teenager and writing down my life's plan...graduate from high school, go to college and graduate, get a job, get married, have children. Nothing momentous or specific. But I remember wondering, what's next? I even remember running downstairs and asking my mom something on the order of "you get married and have kids. Then what?" It felt like a let down. Unfortunately, I don't remember my mom's response. I can imagine it would be hard to explain, especially to a silly, self-centered teenager.

Check, check, check, check and check on that plan laid out by a teenager. As an adult, living the life, I think I understood it.  Kevin and I would get up every morning and go to work because working hard was part of life and it pays the bills. Although we spent lots of hours at work, there was more. We had a house to maintain and meals to cook and people to see and things to do. Days just marched by. Even though it was just Kevin and I at home now, we were still a family, just at a different stage in our life.

Today, at this new point in my life, I am struggling with purpose.

Work doesn't quite feel the same. I enjoy it while I am there, but getting there is a little tougher.  I've realized that even though we work hard and try to do our best, we are all just a cog in the wheel, and can be replaced. Kevin worked at the same business for over 29 years. Now that he's gone, the business still moves on and someone has taken his spot. A few years down the road, employee turnover and retirements will leave only a few oldies but goodies to even remember his name. That myth of self-importance to the workplace has been busted. So at this point in my life, do I want to devote all my time and energy to being this cog in the wheel called work? Even if it feels like that's all I have left?

Home life is another struggle of purpose. My routine of nearly 29 years has fallen apart.  I don't need to plan meals or cook or clean. It's just me.  If I cook a meal, it lasts me all week. It takes forever to fill the dishwasher. Laundry is done in a morning. Some of you are rolling your eyes. What is she complaining about??? I don't want to sound like I'm complaining. I just haven't figured it out yet. It's hard to explain. Those mundane little tasks you do every day may not be fun but they give purpose...a specific time to be home or chore to be completed. We take it for granted.

In reality, we all get caught up in the day to day of our lives so that most of us don't even contemplate purpose. Or we assume it's the obvious...to be a wife, to be a mom, to be a teacher... Maybe that's enough, but maybe it's more than that.

So as I come to grips with this new stage of my life, I need to regroup and find my purpose.  It may take a while.

Luckily, I have reason to be thankful:

• for another day (something Kevin always said at meal time)
• for friends and family who continue to check up on me with texts, phone calls and cards. I received more Valentines this year than I have in years!
• for a job that I enjoy and co-workers who make a difference
• for the continued prayers for all of us as we heal

In him we were also chosen, 

having been predestined according to the plan of him 

who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will

Ephesians 1:11