Purpose

Several people have spoken or written to me about my blog posts. The posts originally started as a way to inform, so people could get the details from the source.  They became a way of processing for me. Thoughts that ran around in my head could be written down and remembered. People have said I should keep writing. However, I'm hesitant. The thoughts still run around in my head, but there is no story to tell or sequence of events to give my thoughts direction. I fear that if my thoughts are dark, people will worry about me or think I need help. So I write this tonight hoping it will let me clear my head and not cause concern for others. Allow me to work through this. 

I remember being a teenager and writing down my life's plan...graduate from high school, go to college and graduate, get a job, get married, have children. Nothing momentous or specific. But I remember wondering, what's next? I even remember running downstairs and asking my mom something on the order of "you get married and have kids. Then what?" It felt like a let down. Unfortunately, I don't remember my mom's response. I can imagine it would be hard to explain, especially to a silly, self-centered teenager.

Check, check, check, check and check on that plan laid out by a teenager. As an adult, living the life, I think I understood it.  Kevin and I would get up every morning and go to work because working hard was part of life and it pays the bills. Although we spent lots of hours at work, there was more. We had a house to maintain and meals to cook and people to see and things to do. Days just marched by. Even though it was just Kevin and I at home now, we were still a family, just at a different stage in our life.

Today, at this new point in my life, I am struggling with purpose.

Work doesn't quite feel the same. I enjoy it while I am there, but getting there is a little tougher.  I've realized that even though we work hard and try to do our best, we are all just a cog in the wheel, and can be replaced. Kevin worked at the same business for over 29 years. Now that he's gone, the business still moves on and someone has taken his spot. A few years down the road, employee turnover and retirements will leave only a few oldies but goodies to even remember his name. That myth of self-importance to the workplace has been busted. So at this point in my life, do I want to devote all my time and energy to being this cog in the wheel called work? Even if it feels like that's all I have left?

Home life is another struggle of purpose. My routine of nearly 29 years has fallen apart.  I don't need to plan meals or cook or clean. It's just me.  If I cook a meal, it lasts me all week. It takes forever to fill the dishwasher. Laundry is done in a morning. Some of you are rolling your eyes. What is she complaining about??? I don't want to sound like I'm complaining. I just haven't figured it out yet. It's hard to explain. Those mundane little tasks you do every day may not be fun but they give purpose...a specific time to be home or chore to be completed. We take it for granted.

In reality, we all get caught up in the day to day of our lives so that most of us don't even contemplate purpose. Or we assume it's the obvious...to be a wife, to be a mom, to be a teacher... Maybe that's enough, but maybe it's more than that.

So as I come to grips with this new stage of my life, I need to regroup and find my purpose.  It may take a while.

Luckily, I have reason to be thankful:

• for another day (something Kevin always said at meal time)
• for friends and family who continue to check up on me with texts, phone calls and cards. I received more Valentines this year than I have in years!
• for a job that I enjoy and co-workers who make a difference
• for the continued prayers for all of us as we heal

In him we were also chosen, 

having been predestined according to the plan of him 

who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will

Ephesians 1:11