A Work in Progress

Tonight is the first Monday night I have been home in several weeks.  I had heard through more than one source that Grief Share was worth looking into.  Since mid-March I have been attending Grief Share sessions at First Free Church in Onalaska every Monday night.  Even though I started the class halfway through, it was well worth my time. Each week, either personally or through the class, I made some discoveries.

My first session was on guilt and anger. Thankfully, I've never been angry at God for Kevin's tumor and death.  And I can't ever recall Kevin saying, "Why me?" We knew it was something we couldn't change so it wasn't worth being mad about. Unfortunately, I do have some guilt to work through.  My lack of patience with Kevin in his final days still haunts me.  He didn't sleep so I didn't sleep (and ask anyone, I can get pretty cranky when I don't sleep). His tumor got in the way of normal brain function so moving him, bathing him, and changing him became so difficult.  It wasn't his fault that his brain got things all jumbled up so following basic directions became nearly impossible. Sadly, my impatience rang through.  I so regret not making his final days more peaceful and enjoyable.  Our Grief Share lesson suggested replacing "I should have" with "I did the best I could under the circumstances." I may get there, but right now that doesn't seem good enough. I could have done better.

Again, thankfully, I'm not feeling the "if onlys" when it comes to Kevin's treatment. Yes, I sometimes wonder if a different choice would have given us a little more time. But as Zig Ziglar said, "Psalm 139:16 clearly states that our life every day is measured, meaning simply--God knows the exact time that we will die.  He knows when He's going to call us home.  There's nothing you can do to extend your life span (or someone else's) one-tenth of a second." The smart alec me took that a step further. Since God already knows how long we will live, why do we need to worry about diet and exercise? Spoken like a person who is trying to justify eating a bag of chips on the couch and her only exercise is walking into the other room to fetch those chips!

I still struggle with my lack of endurance and difficulty with focus.  Doing my job seems mentally hard. Even finding the right word or finishing a sentence can be a struggle some days. By the end of a week, I am really dragging physically and mentally. It's hard to rationalize, but going to this class helped me realize that this is a normal part of grief.  That doesn't mean I like it and I'm waaaaay  ready for this stage to be over.

One week was about being stuck in grief.  In general, the concept didn't apply to most of us because our grief was still so new.  But the lesson still taught me some key concepts.  First, I need to do my grief work.  I need to go places inside my heart, soul, and mind that I don't want to go.  I can't skip it.  I can't stuff it.  I have to go through it.  This is something I need to work on and I'm not quite sure how to go about it.  Second, I need to be grateful. Gratitude is a healer. When I'm feeling sorry for myself I need to turn that around and be thankful for all that I have. Third, I have a purpose.  There is a reason God didn't take me.  I don't know what that purpose is yet but I need to ask God to help me figure it out.

The next class helped me realize that I am not just grieving the loss of a husband; I've lost everything Kevin was to me.  Kevin played so many different roles in my life.  Each time I encounter a situation where that role player is missing, grief is likely to hit again.  It seems obvious, but I had never thought of that before.  Honestly, I don't think we truly realize how many roles a person plays in our life...until they are gone.

Clearly I missed Kevin the mechanic when my lawnmower got the best of me. Here's the update on that saga.  That lawnmower never showed any form of life again.  Keaton thought I should buy a Honda.  So I did my research and read the reviews.  On an early Saturday morning I made my way to Home Depot to check it out.  I monkeyed around with the demo model acting like I knew what I was doing (who was I trying to fool???).  A couple ventured into the lawnmower aisle looking at a different Honda model.  I got brave and questioned them about the purchase.  They were totally in favor and pulled one off the shelf in no time. My scared self said "Go for it." As a store attendant went to get a cart, I looked a little more closely at the other couple's box.  Light bulb moment.  There was NO WAY this box was going to fit in my car.  Stupid me.  I held on to my little bit of bravery and purchased it anyway since I could pick it up later when Keaton got home with the truck.  Without a doubt, I was missing Kevin the decision maker too.  This wouldn't have been so hard for him.  By the way, I went all out and bought the model with an electric start.  Go me!

I am constantly reminded that these trials are making me stronger.  I caught a show on Netflix last night where the narrator stated: Problems make us grow.  They sculpt our soul. They make us more. He said we should be thankful for our problems because they make us who we are. Really? Who thanks God for their problems? But it makes sense...once we get through it we can appreciate what that situation has done for us. My triple starred quote for the week was "Grief is an opportunity for interior remodeling." That gives me hope.

Chapter 12 of our lessons on grief was about heaven. Once again, some simple thoughts hit home.  We often use the term lost when we talk about the death of a loved one.  "I lost my husband in January." But if you lose something, you don't know where it is. I didn't lose Kevin because I know he is in heaven.  Along those same lines, the video we watched asked if we would like our loved one back? My gut reaction was, "No. I want to go there." Do I wish he'd never left? Definitely. The speaker in the video went on to explain how selfish it would be if we asked for our loved one to return. Why would we want to take them out of paradise? I did leave this meeting with lots of questions on the resurrection.  Not the resurrection of Jesus but the resurrection on the last day. I need to do some studying on this.

Being a part of this group has also led me to question what I pray about.  To be honest, it has always bugged me when people asked for prayers about little things.  "I'm driving to the Cities. Pray for me." It's not that I don't want them to be safe and I have asked God, especially during major travel weekends, to "keep those who are traveling safe." In my mind, God is really busy.  He has the world to deal with.  So when I'm praying, I want to concentrate on the really big requests because they are so much more important.  I'm starting to shift on those thoughts.  One of the group members gave me this analogy...compare it to a mother listening to their child.  If your child needs something, you will listen.  It doesn't always mean the request will be answered, but God will listen.  That's another work in progress.

So tonight, as I reflect on my class I am thankful:

• for God and the hope he gives
• for Heaven, Kevin's new home
• for my wonderful support system of family and friends
• for the time I had with Kevin and the many roles he played
• for people who willingly lead grief classes in an effort to help us heal
• for problems (aka opportunities to be brave or learn or grow)

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, 

whenever you face trials of many kinds, 

because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 

Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be 

mature and complete, not lacking anything."

James 1:2-4