Burial

Long before Kevin was diagnosed, we had talked about cremation. It just felt like the right thing to do for us.  Kevin wanted his ashes spread on the farm.  He'd say, "Just throw me in the manure spreader." (Those one liners still make me smile.)

As the reality of death set in and we met with a funeral director and Deacon (Uncle) Bob, we learned that the Catholic faith does not allow for ashes to be distributed.  Remains need to be buried. Kevin took the lead at this point and called about a burial plot on St. Joseph's Ridge. Thankfully there was a single plot available right next to Kevin's parents' plot.  I filled out the paperwork and made the purchase.

After Kevin's death, when making the final funeral arrangements, I decided that we would have the actual burial at a later time. I knew the funeral would be large and I wanted the opportunity to visit with those who had taken the time to attend.  The drive from West Salem to the Ridge and back, along with the brief burial service, could most likely take an hour and I know from experience that many people won't stick around that long. Plus, it was January and I am not a fan of the cold.

Initially, I had planned to have the burial service around the time of Kevin's birthday (April 28). As the date approached, it didn't make sense to me.  The family would be gathering for Easter and it didn't make sense to have family make a special trip again so soon for what would most likely be a 10 minute ceremony.

Each year the Zietlow family (Kevin's mom's family) plans a reunion on the Ridge around Father's Day weekend.  Since Kevin's family would be attending the reunion, it seemed more practical to schedule the burial on the same day.  After several phone calls and texts, Kevin's mom set a date and place for the reunion.  Although the time and place changed as the date drew closer, Polly did an excellent job of keeping everyone updated.  Polly and Dave were gracious enough to host the meal at their house and even extend an invitation to my family.  (My Dad was so impressed with the food that he has already invited himself to their reunion again next year!)

Deacon Bob had agreed to lead the burial service. Because family would be taking the time to attend, I wanted to make this special. Coming up with ideas was stressful for me. Kailey had said, "Doing a Google search for burial service ideas doesn't help much." Believe me, I knew.  I had done multiple searches using various terminology myself with no luck.  I had even sent out a plea via Facebook to other surviving wives of GBM with no luck.  Other wives were looking for ideas too.

Somehow it all just seems to come together.

Let me digress a minute.  Before having embarked on this journey, I wasn't quite sure what to think of people who kept an urn full of ashes on their mantel.  In my mind, it wasn't wrong, but I just didn't understand it.  Yet, Kevin's ashes had sat in his box on the piano bench for nearly 5 months.  I wonder if people were "creeped out" by that.  No one ever said anything.  In my mind, those ashes weren't Kevin.  He is in heaven, not in that box.  Although I might have occasionally place my hand on the box as I walked by, I was no closer to him there than I was standing at his toolbox in the garage or looking at a picture of him.  Once again, this was a startling reminder to me that I cannot fully understand someone's perspective until I have been in their place so I should not make judgements.

The box that Kevin's nephew Andrew had made for the ashes had a little extra room in it.  The kids and I decided to add some trinkets that reminded us of Kevin.

• A pocket knife - because he always had one with him.  Kevin was the go-to guy at Christmas time to open a box or release a toy from its packaging because he had a pocket knife
• A John Deere sticker - for his love of farming and John Deere tractors
• A Peterbilt emblem - for his strong work ethic and his dedication to a company and the trucking industry
• A deer hunting license from the year he shot his big buck - because hunting was a family and friend tradition that he looked forward to each year
• A Dutz's beer chip - because he loved a good time and a cold beer
• A little wrench - because he could fix anything
• A do-rag (Kevin called it a dude-rag) - for the enjoyment of riding motorcycle.  Initially, this do-rag was purchased as a joke.  Kevin always wore a helmet when riding and this wasn't quite his style.  He occasionally wore the rag when his hair got grimy at work so he'd keep the inside of his helmet clean.  Later, after his head was shaved for surgery, he said the hair stubble felt like velcro on his helmet so he wore the do-rag as a covering.
• A Whelen racing/Nascar patch - for his love of racing, especially with Keaton.  Like the day of the burial, the Saturday before Father's day was when Keaton won a feature in the Sportsmen division.  Kevin was so proud.  He said it was the best Father's Day present.
• A finger rosary - to represent faith in Kevin's life
• A picture of our family - to signify the importance of family in Kevin's life and how important he was in our life

The stone marks Kevin's parents' plot. The white planter is

not styrofoam as many thought...it's a Pinterest attempt at 

a planter using a cinderblock.

The burial service was scheduled for 3:30.  I had pushed the kids to get ready so we could arrive early.  I had not seen the actual burial plot yet and I felt the need to get mentally "set up." Not surprisingly, Uncle Bob was there when we arrived, perhaps doing the same thing.

Although it wasn't expected because people had already said their goodbyes during the funeral in January, it was heartwarming to see so many people there and hug them as they arrived.  Normally the Ridge is always windy, that day was still and cloudy.  The setting was beautiful overlooking the sloping hills, trees and fields.

Bob let me start things off.  I thanked everyone for coming, gave an overview of what to expect, and then asked for some time with just the kids and I at the end.  I knelt down next to his box and talked about each of the items we had selected as a remembrance of Kevin and placed them one by one in the box before closing the latches. As Deacon Bob continued with the readings and prayers, I couldn't help but look out and appreciate the people there as well as the beautiful surroundings.

After Deacon Bob, the kids, and I had sprinkled Holy water onto the box, Keaton lowered it into the ground.  I had asked Dave and Polly to bring dirt from the farm since Kevin's ashes could not be spread on the farm.  With an old metal bucket of farm dirt and a basketful of rose petals (dried from the funeral bouquets) next to the plot, we asked people to come forward to spread the dirt and flowers.  The kids had chosen two songs to play in the background as people came forward (Carrie Underwood's See you again and Zach Brown Band's My Old Man).  It was a thoughtful tribute to a wonderful man.

  

As the other's left, the kids and I sat around the burial plot. I pulled out a blue folder with two typewritten pages...letters to Keaton and Kailey from their Dad.

As Kevin worked through his journey to the end of life, I wanted him to do things his way rather than what I thought I would do if I was in his place.  Initially, I don't believe Kevin thought he was going to die.  Eventually, as his body began to deteriorate, reality set in.  I finally asked him about writing letters to the kids. He was hesitant, undoubtedly unsure of what to say.  I told him I'd open my computer and type.  He could just talk.  Unfortunately, I had waited too long for my request.  He had trouble remembering. He repeated himself. I tried hard not to supply my own words and ideas but instead asked questions to provoke his own thoughts. They aren't great letters but he said over and over how proud he was of them.  I'm hoping that is enough.

This afternoon, as I reflect on the burial eight days ago, I am thankful

• for having had a conversation about cremation long before death was in the picture.  Have you made your wishes known?
• for Uncle Bob's guidance and patience as I try to add my personal touch.
• for music that adds that special effect and often says things better than plain words.
• for the love and support of families.  I am so lucky.
• for Kevin's advice on not making a big deal out of things because it will all work out in the end.
• for memories.

We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body

 and at home with the Lord. 

So we make it our goal to please him, 

whether we are at home in the body or away from it.

2 Corinthians 5:8-9