Another Step in Our Journey

NOTE:  This majority of this post was written on Thursday, December 22.  Life happened and I didn't get it finished until today. So as you read...take yourself back in time to last Thursday.


This past week has led us to another step on this cancer journey.  As of our last post, the plan was to try one more round of chemo and head back to Mayo in January to see if it had made any difference. Of course, we all know that plans change.

Last Thursday (12/15), Kevin became much weaker. We had been to a work Christmas gathering the night before and the next day he didn't eat all day and never left his chair.  That night we started using the wheel chair in the house to get to the bathroom (or basically anywhere). He is no longer strong enough to walk on his own, even with the aid of a cane or walker. I also learned that I can no longer ask if he wants something to eat.  He'll say he's "not really hungry." Instead, I need to give him choices of what he wants to eat (not if he is going to eat).

The chemo drug was scheduled to arrive on that same Thursday (12/15) but it never showed up.  I'm thinking that happened for a reason.  I kept asking Kevin if he still wanted to take the chemo, but he couldn't make a decision.  "I don't know," was his response. I really wanted this to be his decision so it wouldn't come back to haunt me later.  By Friday, I knew chemo was not the right answer.  His body was already weakened. Everything was a struggle.  How would he ever manage with that nasty chemo drug overtaking his body.? Plus, it was getting closer to the holidays and at this rate Kevin would be feeling his absolute worst when we were supposed to be getting together as a family.  It just wasn't worth it.  I made the decision.

I believe that Kevin thought the chemo would make him better.  Not cure him, but improve his symptoms.  Unfortunately, that is not what the doctor told us.  The tumor, which is causing the symptoms, won't get smaller from the chemo.  There was a small chance that the chemo could slow the tumor's growth but he wasn't going to feel any better than he does right now.  I tried to tell him, which isn't easy to hear, "This is as good as it gets."

Monday (12/19) we signed up for hospice.  Tuesday (12/20) the nurse and social worker made a home visit.  I was secretly hoping they would solve all our mobility issues with getting to the bathroom. Realistically, we aren't quite ready to take those next steps...a hospital bed and a catheter. For now, what we are doing is a lot of work for Kevin, but it's manageable and the pros outweigh the cons. (Update: I can no longer transfer Kevin to the wheelchair on my own.  It sometimes takes Keaton, Kailey and I to manage the bathroom trip.  Thankfully, Keaton is working from home this week so he can help out.)

Today (Thursday, 12/22) was another milestone. Peterbilt had their annual Christmas lunch.  I had made it our goal to get him there even though he hadn't left the house in over a week.  Thankfully, Kailey was home to help. As we wheeled around the shop, the realization struck...Kevin would never be going to work again.  After over 29 years with this company, he was done. His mind and body couldn't do it any more.

Later that evening we were heading out to a gathering at the Schaitel shop to celebrate the purchase of a new Peterbilt. Kevin became emotional as we turned into the driveway. It was once again striking him how many wonderful friends he has in his life.  We are truly blessed.

Life today (12/28) is quiet.  We enjoyed a wonderful Christmas weekend with family and are happy for that time together. There was a bittersweet undertone as we know it will be the last. But, that could be true for anyone. We just happen to have notice and are thankful for this time.

Today we are thankful for:

• Insurance to cover medications and hospice
• Hospice caregivers who go into a stranger's home and help them through a difficult time. Although they are simply checking in once a week right now, we know they are there when we need them
• A comfy recliner and couch which make our slumber cozy and convenient
• Friends and family who share their precious time with us
• Our children who are so willing to help out, no questions asked, even when it becomes uncomfortable
• Another memorable Christmas which we can hold in our hearts

Whether you turn to the right or to the left,

your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying,

"This is the way, walk in it."

Isaiah 30:21